Dr. Uzma’s “Honest” Revelations.


If you’ve missed “the most honest press conference ever” by Dr. Uzma, you can read it’s text here.

Dr. Uzma (PROUD Indian Citizen) talks about her ordeal;

“Let me begin by revealing that I am not Dr. Uzma. I am Cinderella White, with hints of James Bond and Sherlock Holmes. Actually I am a mix of several fictitious characters, but I am myself real. And so is my story, which is as real as a gold cucumber stuck on the horn of a Unicorn grazing on the lush pink grass of King’s Landing. Also I would like to say that I love Shushu Auntie, she’s the best and gives the best bribes—gifts..I mean gifts.

Now let’s begin with when I was hypnotized by Sauron and made to go to Pakistan. I did not know what I was doing. Planning my trip to booking and beginning it was all Sauron.

Tahir; my husband, was actually an Orc. He forced me to marry him and recorded our marriage on video where no sign of coercion is evident because he forced me to act natural during our wedding and also forced me to act as if I was wide awake while I was actually heavily sedated. He took me to Buner. This was not a trip willingly made, it was a kidnapping. I was tortured physically and emotionally and kept in captivity while occasionally being released to roam around in the streets of Buner to gather knowledge about Buner; how many girls were there, their nationalities and their ordeals. I was also given internet access to google Buner and discover when the Taliban were in control and when an operation was conducted by the Pakistani Military to oust Taliban. I also visited all the houses in Buner – while in captivity – and discovered that everyone had two wives. While in captivity, I also surveyed the area and discovered, from several interviews, that most people from Buner live in Malaysia. How did I do all of this while being a captive and suffering inhuman torture? Well the answer to that my friends is that, as I told you, I am part Sherlock and also part Bond.

I will not give any explanation as to how I managed to get to the Indian High Commission, or how I managed to make my captor accompany me, because apparently the writer has left that part vague and unattended. But what the heck, there is a thing called improvisation in this industry. So let’s just say one night while I was sleeping on a bed of thorns on the top of a hill in the dungeon where I was kept, while 60 foot crocs swam in the pond below, Shushu Auntie appeared in my dream. Only it wasn’t really a dream. She asked me to gather a watermelon, a rat, a pumpkin and a frog. So I did, and she waved her wand and behold there stood before me a chariot that I rode to the Indian High Commission. Remember how I was hypnotized by Sauron? Well I used my superhuman skills to learn hypnosis while being hypnotized and then hypnotized my captor/husband to accompany me to the Indian High Commission. It was surprising that people at the High Commission instantly believed me, may be because back then I actually used to tell the truth. I had nothing when I came to the Indian High Commission *sad face*, and now I have so much doe *giggles*, all legitimate hard earned money, no bribes or anything *serious face*. Anyways, they then took me in, and I stayed there for the rest of my days in Pakistan. That’s when they came up with this ridiculous story and we decided to try and tarnish Pakistan’s image through this opportunity that presented itself in the shape of a Cinderella cum Bond cum Holmes in front of you. All thanks to Shushu Auntie.

People claiming that it was Pakistan’s judiciary, Islamabad High Court in particular, that helped me get back to India are lying. It’s the IHC which passed the orders for my safe return, and everyone knows that IHC stands for Indian High Commission, so thank you Shush Auntie…you are shoo shweet.

It is very easy to go to Pakistan; you just apply for a visa and they themselves come and pick you up. But coming back from Pakistan is impossible. As you all know, the reason for Pakistan’s large population is the fact that 99% of the people who travel to Pakistan are forced to stay there. Pakistan’s own population is actually just 100 million. The rest are poor visitors who went there and could never return. I would also like to point out here that many girls who went to Pakistan after arranged marriages, are all miserable and crying. I know this because I had the opportunity to meet all of them while I was in captivity in Pakistan. I also saw that In each home in Pakistan, there are 2 to four wives.

Finally let me tell you conclusively – backed with sound, logical and irrefutable reasoning – that Pakistan mei aadmi bhi safe nahi hain. Waiting for the sound, logical and irrefutable reasoning? Well prepare yourselves because here it comes: I know that even men aren’t safe in Pakistan because….*drum roll*…..jis tareekay se humari koi baat hoti thi to buhut problem hoti thi har aik cheez mein. eh? eh? Is that the most specific, definitive, cogent and rational argument you have ever heard or what?

In the end I would like to tell all of you that Pakistan is bad. It is a boo boo place, real yuckie. Not like my India. India is a wonderful place, especially for the women (being raped) and minorities (being lynched and forced to convert and not eat beef). I love India, I love Shushu Auntie, I love the officers at the High Commission and the Indian Currency. Oh I love the Indian rupee, each and every one that I have received for going along with this ridiculously unbelievable story that these people came up with apparently with zero effort. I mean they could have employed a good writer from bollywood to write the script for me and I could have looked a little less absurd and phony, but no! it had to be someone Shushu auntie trusted, even if he was a retard with no writing skills or imagination.

Ok that’s about it.

Thank you!

Oh and tears…I forgot tears. So yes, tears and ummm a sad face.

Thank you.”


Criminals in our Inbox

Door to door marketing is not that common in Pakistan for a number of reasons. Even in other countries, technological developments in marketing and advertising have rendered door to door marketing redundant and marketing reps are extinct in most fields with only a few exceptions. But imagine it weren’t so. Imagine if door to door marketing was an often used advertising and marketing strategy employed by businesses in Pakistan. Now imagine if there were no rules or regulations in force to govern and regulate the use of door to door marketing strategies. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, any hour of the day any Tom, Dick or Harry – or Tina, Diana or Harriet – could come knocking on your door, or ringing your door bell, to introduce you to his/her company’s product or services.

Whenever there was a knock on the door and you had to walk all the way out, there was no way of knowing if it’s your mother, a friend, an invited visitor or just another uninvited, unsolicited walking talking advertisement to waste your time and energy. At first you may be ok with it; two or three reps visiting your abode to tell you about their interesting, cheap and useful products. But when the frequency reaches 20 to 30 per day, and most or all of the visits relate to products or services that have no utility for you, it can and most certainly will become a nuisance that you will want to stop. You may stop answering the knocks and bells and come up with a way to know when it is someone you were expecting like having them call you instead of knocking. Thankfully, this is just a hypothetical problem, or is it?

When I woke up this morning, I had one hundred and seventy three unread messages on my cell phone. I stopped checking and reading my messages a couple of days ago. I don’t even have the time to go through my messages and delete 20 to 30 useless spam messages every-day. I am a professional lawyer, and sometimes important messages from clients do get buried under the bulk of these unsolicited, useless spam messages. I don’t buy women’s clothing and I don’t wear them either, yet I have a number of messages from boutiques telling me which lawn print is in and which boutique is offering a sale. I don’t yet need tuitions for my children but every day I am told which academy offers what kinds of tuitions. I am happy with my caller tune; the conventional “toon toon”, and I don’t want Naseebo Lal, or Arijit Singh singing to whoever tries to call me, yet I have several messages offering different kinds of songs that my callers can hear while they wait for me to answer.

I am sure I am not the only one aboard this annoying, irritating, absolute nuisance of a ship. Every unfortunate soul who owns a cell-phone gets bombarded with a bulk of spam messages every day. Our numbers are obtained from our service providers by these businesses, or spam message senders hired by these businesses, and then the torture begins. Messages from family, friends, clients and acquaintances go unseen just because we are now used to our message tone beeping every five minutes and are 90 % certain that it’s just another spam message.

Well the good news is, and it may come as a surprise to many, that this is absolutely illegal. Most of us have heard of the Prevention of Electronic Crimes Act of 2016, but for the wrong reasons I am afraid. Section 25 of the Act makes it illegal to send unsolicited marketing or advertising messages to recipients, especially without providing the recipient an option to unsubscribe from such marketing.  Violation of this section entails a fine for the sender which ranges from Rs. 50,000 to One Million. All you need to do is lodge a complaint.

Section 25 is reproduced below, relevant parts, as applicable to above-mentioned subject, have been highlighted for clarity.

“25. Spamming.–{l) A person commits the offence of spamming, who with intent transmits harmful, fraudulent, misleading, illegal or unsolicited information to any person without permission of the recipient or who causes any information system to show any such information for wrongful gain.

(2) A person including an institution or an organization engaged in direct marketing shall provide the option to the recipient of direct marketing to unsubscribe from such marketing.

(3) Whoever commits the offence of spamming as described in sub section (l) by transmitting harmful, fraudulent, misleading or illegal information, shall be punished with imprisonment for a term which may extend to three months or with fine of rupees fifty thousand which may extend upto rupees five million or with both.

(4) Whoever commits the offence of spamming as described in sub section (l) by transmitting unsolicited information, or engages in direct marketing in violation sub-section (2), for the. first time, shall be punished with fine not exceeding fifty thousand rupees, and for every subsequent violation shall be punished with fine not less than fifty thousand rupees that may extend up to one million rupees.”

The evil of spamming is relatively recent, prevalent since a few years after the advent of internet and cell phone technology. Even though it has only recently been declared illegal by way of an enactment in Pakistan, same has been illegal in other jurisdictions for years now. In the United States of America, the Can-Spam Act was enacted in 2003. Canada legislated its own anti spamming laws in 2010 and the UK has also declared spamming a criminal wrong. Our neighbor India, however, seems to have no such laws in place, especially since the repeal of Section 66A of the Information Technology Act of 2000.

There haven’t been many cases or considerable action for implementation of our own Section 25 for reasons that include apparent non-seriousness of the offence, lack of interest and most importantly; lack of awareness. A wrong that wasn’t even illegal a short while ago, is now a crime. Citizens now have a recourse for redress of their grievance against this nuisance, and a little pro-activity can help rid us of this cyber menace.