If you’ve missed “the most honest press conference ever” by Dr. Uzma, you can read it’s text here.
Dr. Uzma (PROUD Indian Citizen) talks about her ordeal;
“Let me begin by revealing that I am not Dr. Uzma. I am Cinderella White, with hints of James Bond and Sherlock Holmes. Actually I am a mix of several fictitious characters, but I am myself real. And so is my story, which is as real as a gold cucumber stuck on the horn of a Unicorn grazing on the lush pink grass of King’s Landing. Also I would like to say that I love Shushu Auntie, she’s the best and gives the best bribes—gifts..I mean gifts.
Now let’s begin with when I was hypnotized by Sauron and made to go to Pakistan. I did not know what I was doing. Planning my trip to booking and beginning it was all Sauron.
Tahir; my husband, was actually an Orc. He forced me to marry him and recorded our marriage on video where no sign of coercion is evident because he forced me to act natural during our wedding and also forced me to act as if I was wide awake while I was actually heavily sedated. He took me to Buner. This was not a trip willingly made, it was a kidnapping. I was tortured physically and emotionally and kept in captivity while occasionally being released to roam around in the streets of Buner to gather knowledge about Buner; how many girls were there, their nationalities and their ordeals. I was also given internet access to google Buner and discover when the Taliban were in control and when an operation was conducted by the Pakistani Military to oust Taliban. I also visited all the houses in Buner – while in captivity – and discovered that everyone had two wives. While in captivity, I also surveyed the area and discovered, from several interviews, that most people from Buner live in Malaysia. How did I do all of this while being a captive and suffering inhuman torture? Well the answer to that my friends is that, as I told you, I am part Sherlock and also part Bond.
I will not give any explanation as to how I managed to get to the Indian High Commission, or how I managed to make my captor accompany me, because apparently the writer has left that part vague and unattended. But what the heck, there is a thing called improvisation in this industry. So let’s just say one night while I was sleeping on a bed of thorns on the top of a hill in the dungeon where I was kept, while 60 foot crocs swam in the pond below, Shushu Auntie appeared in my dream. Only it wasn’t really a dream. She asked me to gather a watermelon, a rat, a pumpkin and a frog. So I did, and she waved her wand and behold there stood before me a chariot that I rode to the Indian High Commission. Remember how I was hypnotized by Sauron? Well I used my superhuman skills to learn hypnosis while being hypnotized and then hypnotized my captor/husband to accompany me to the Indian High Commission. It was surprising that people at the High Commission instantly believed me, may be because back then I actually used to tell the truth. I had nothing when I came to the Indian High Commission *sad face*, and now I have so much doe *giggles*, all legitimate hard earned money, no bribes or anything *serious face*. Anyways, they then took me in, and I stayed there for the rest of my days in Pakistan. That’s when they came up with this ridiculous story and we decided to try and tarnish Pakistan’s image through this opportunity that presented itself in the shape of a Cinderella cum Bond cum Holmes in front of you. All thanks to Shushu Auntie.
People claiming that it was Pakistan’s judiciary, Islamabad High Court in particular, that helped me get back to India are lying. It’s the IHC which passed the orders for my safe return, and everyone knows that IHC stands for Indian High Commission, so thank you Shush Auntie…you are shoo shweet.
It is very easy to go to Pakistan; you just apply for a visa and they themselves come and pick you up. But coming back from Pakistan is impossible. As you all know, the reason for Pakistan’s large population is the fact that 99% of the people who travel to Pakistan are forced to stay there. Pakistan’s own population is actually just 100 million. The rest are poor visitors who went there and could never return. I would also like to point out here that many girls who went to Pakistan after arranged marriages, are all miserable and crying. I know this because I had the opportunity to meet all of them while I was in captivity in Pakistan. I also saw that In each home in Pakistan, there are 2 to four wives.
Finally let me tell you conclusively – backed with sound, logical and irrefutable reasoning – that Pakistan mei aadmi bhi safe nahi hain. Waiting for the sound, logical and irrefutable reasoning? Well prepare yourselves because here it comes: I know that even men aren’t safe in Pakistan because….*drum roll*…..jis tareekay se humari koi baat hoti thi to buhut problem hoti thi har aik cheez mein. eh? eh? Is that the most specific, definitive, cogent and rational argument you have ever heard or what?
In the end I would like to tell all of you that Pakistan is bad. It is a boo boo place, real yuckie. Not like my India. India is a wonderful place, especially for the women (being raped) and minorities (being lynched and forced to convert and not eat beef). I love India, I love Shushu Auntie, I love the officers at the High Commission and the Indian Currency. Oh I love the Indian rupee, each and every one that I have received for going along with this ridiculously unbelievable story that these people came up with apparently with zero effort. I mean they could have employed a good writer from bollywood to write the script for me and I could have looked a little less absurd and phony, but no! it had to be someone Shushu auntie trusted, even if he was a retard with no writing skills or imagination.
Ok that’s about it.
Oh and tears…I forgot tears. So yes, tears and ummm a sad face.