WITH DUE APOLOGIES TO NOT-SAHIR

sahir

A friend of mine who has nothing to do with journalism, is not a reporter, has never conducted an interview, is not even really my friend and come to think of it, may not even be a real person, managed – after some serious struggle – to get Sahir Lodhi’s interview, except, it wasn’t really Sahir.

Anyways, this not-friend of mine is a huge fan of Sahir Lodhi, especially ever since he watched the trailer of his upcoming movie “RAASTA”. So when he got an opportunity to interview not-Sahir Lodhi, he was ecstatic.

Unfortunately no one agreed to publish his interview because he isn’t a real person and, well, it wasn’t actually Sahir’s interview. I on the other hand, being a friend in need to him, have agreed to reproduce it on my blog. So here it is;

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:   Hi, it’s such a pleasure to finally meet you sir.

 

Not-Sahir:                              I know, it must be. Awesomeness is only my second best trait, after humility.

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    So you are finally making an entry on the big screen, how does that feel? Are you nervous?

 

Not-Sahir:                              I feel good, it really is an honor for the big screen and everyone who works in movies all around the world that they will be sharing the space with me. Am I nervous? No, I am awesome, Jiyaay Shahrukh!

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    A lot of people say you are a Shahrukh Khan wannabe…how would you respond to that?

 

Not-Sahir:                              Hahahahahahaha!!!

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    ?? That’s it? That’s your response?

 

Not-Sahir:                              It is just a co-incidence that if I try, I can look a little like him and, with a lot of effort, can even sound like him at times. He is a famous person, a successful celebrity, but I have no reason to go down a notch. I am more famous and more successful than him.

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    But I couldn’t help but notice you copying Shahrukh’s trademark pose and his voice in the movie’s trailer.

 

Not-Sahir:                              Again, a co-incidence. We had to do a 100 takes just to get that co-incidental pose just right. As for the voice, I naturally sound like him, it’s just that i don’t usually speak in my natural voice because it takes a lot of effort.

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    I have here with me some pages from your diary, with entries you made ten years ago. I can’t tell you who gave them to me, but it wasn’t your sister. I will read some of the lines here..

I wish I was Shahrukh, or his twin brother…or even his toothbrush“…

Someday I am going to be like Shahrukh Khan“…

God, why do I love Shahrukh so much…why can’t I  take his place??“.

I hate shahrukh khan, I am much better than him…..No!!!NO!!! I love him..i love him.“.

we loves shahrukh…my preccioooussss

It seems to me like you were pretty obsessed with Shahrukh…

 

Not-Sahir:                              Uhh…that’s not my handwriting. I have a blue handwriting, and this is  clearly black.

 

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    How high are your hopes with your upcoming movie? I hear you are its co-director, co-producer, screenplay and dialogue writer and the lead hero. Is it correct to say that your inspiration is Taher Shah?

 

Not-Sahir:                              No, no..Taher Shah seems like a genuinely nice person, whereas people see me as a pompous shokha. Basically I only wanted to be the lead hero in a movie, but no producer was willing to take that risk so I offered to share the blame and become co-producer. We then could not find a director who would bear me as the lead hero, so again I had to step up. As for the screen play and dialogue; no one else remembered Shahrukh’s dialogues as well as I did, so that happened.

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    So if the movie makes it and is a hit, do you see yourself becoming a full-time movie actor?

 

Not-Sahir:                              Well at the moment I am only planning my responses to bollywood and hollywood. Obviously after the movie’s release, there are going to be offers. I am going to say no to any offer to play Shahrukh’s stunt double, because I can’t do stunts, they are bad for  my skin. I am open to all other offers – to work in movies I mean.

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    Your movie will most definitely be a flop, how will you deal with that?

 

Not-Sahir:                              hahahahahahaha!!!

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    You have achieved a lot of fame, may be not as much as Taher Shah or Qandeel Baloch, but you are almost there. And something tells me your movie will get you there. Who would you like to thank for that?

 

Not-Sahir:                              Well, I think I owe my fame to my hotness, my beautiful eyes, my perfect skin, my intellectual thoughts and, above all, my  modesty and humility.

 

Not-Friend Not-Reporter:    Well Mr. Sahir, it was a pleasure talking to you. Wish you the best of luck for your movie, not that you need it or it would do you any good.

 

Not-Sahir:                              Thank you chum. The pleasure was all yours.

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