“Dear Mr. Altaf Hussein,
We are overwhelmed by your recurring expressions of love for us and our country. We would come to your aid and happily adopt you as one of our own, if only there was a dearth of crap blabbering idiots in our own country. Although our blabbering idiots may not match your senselessness, still we believe you will not be adding anything to our political or cultural landscape.
We have had many hate spewing agitators of ethnic and religious sectarianism. But I doubt you will find an environment as conducive for your shenanigans as is available to you in your own unfortunate country. Although it is possible, but we cannot guarantee that you will be allowed to crap through your mouth on live television time and time again. Here, we shit through our asses and do it in toilets, and I am afraid you may not get live coverage for that.
We would however, like to take this opportunity to express our love for you. The entertainment that you provide and the way you make a mockery of yourself, the Pakistani and British governments in short spans of 40 minutes to 1 hour, is an amazing talent. We could offer you a slot as a standup comedian, but we don’t think you can actually stand up without help anymore.
With fake regards and real ridicule,
Above is a satirical piece and if it has caused any “dil azaari” to Altaf, his slaves, followers and to the zombies that he owns, please accept my sincerest apologies. Who knows better than you guys how an apology makes it all better.