I am a conspiracy theorist.

I am a conspiracy theorist (CT), apparently and allegedly. It is the in thing for intellectuals or pseudo intellectuals of our country living anywhere in the world to tag, as conspiracy theorist, anyone who dares to suggest involvement of foreign elements in any activity that directly or indirectly brings harm to Pakistan. These conspiracy theorists – who are deemed and portrayed as completely detached from reality – believe in “preposterous” notions such as terrorism being sponsored and exploited, wholly or partly, by foreign elements like the CIA. Most contemptuous offence is met with when a CT questions the genuineness of the Malala story.

We CTs are truly an irrational, illogical, naive and closed minded people. Who in his right state of mind would ever think that the CIA or any foreign intelligence agency can be involved in any covert operation to destabilize Pakistan or cause any harm thereto. Our CT brothers and sisters from around the world have questioned the 9/11 story as well. They have raised very intriguing questions too, but all of those questions can be avoided very easily. Just remind us that we are conspiracy theorists and ‘poof’, any reason to answer those plausible questions vanishes into thin air. The fact that you have been labeled a CT is sufficient to render your assertions and inquiries invalid. Just because someone believes that you deem everything a conspiracy, even an actual conspiracy is not a conspiracy if you call it one. It’s simple really, if only we illogical beings could understand.

Has the CIA ever been involved in any covert political activity in a foreign territory? What if there are more than a thousand books and articles on how the CIA has manipulated “assets” in another country to overthrow regimes, destabilize countries and governments. These books and articles don’t mean anything. Do you know why? Because all of them have been written by conspiracy theorists. And the simple rule is: If a conspiracy theorist calls something a conspiracy, it has to be NOT a conspiracy. Too bad only “intellectuals” can comprehend this simple rule.

The fact that there were, and probably still are, hundreds of CIA agents in Pakistan does not mean they came here to engage in any covert act against Pakistan. Obviously Pakistan is the most happening place and CIA agents whimper all the time to their bosses to be posted in Pakistan so they can enjoy the weather and gol gappas here. Mr. Raymond Davis’s shooting and consequent efforts by the US to hide his identity as a CIA contractor are not proof of CIA’s presence in Pakistan. He landed in Pakistan by mistake and the US didn’t know that one of their contractors was in Pakistan. It was the shooting that brought this mistaken presence into their notice which they corrected immediately by taking him away. And silly old CTs thought he was part of a team that supplies arms and support to local terrorist organizations. Did the CIA ever fund or support any militant organization? The Afghan taliban in the 80s you say? No no, that was ISI. ISI is our local intelligence agency so you can blame and bash them for anything. Especially if you are living abroad, then it is really a shortcut to fame and social approval to bash Pakistan and ISI. It’s just not fashionable for “intellectuals” to question or blame CIA.

So when CIA has neither engaged in any covert activity in any country around the globe, and when there are no CIA agents present in Pakistan, how can one possibly imagine of their involvement in any activity within and against Pakistan. Oh my silly CT brothers and sisters, we are such fools I tell you.

I believe that we Pakistanis are responsible for a lot of Pakistan’s problems. But I also believe that foreign elements play a vital role in adding fuel to the fire of our troubles. But what do I know, I am just a silly old conspiracy theorist.

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